Secure Mail, my ass

Two weeks ago, the night after a work party, I lost my ATM card. I was walking to work, using my card to put credit on to my cell phone and I guess I dropped it and, in my hungover state, didn't notice. So when I got home that night, I called the bank and reported it lost. Fine.

One week later, I received a letter from Secure Mail Services telling me they had a delivery for me that required a signature from me and me alone. Fine. They also informed me that they'd recently tried to deliver it and been unsuccessful. Lie. You then have to call or go online to reschedule the delivery. But if you don't do it by 4pm, then you can't have it delivered next day. I only got home from work at 9:30pm. As it's the Friday before Christmas, the earliest time I can have it delivered is the 27th. Annoying. So I reschedule it. My housemate isn't feeling that well so she'll be home when they deliver. The delivery window is a fabulously non-specific 9am-5pm. At 5pm, she calls me to tell me they didn't deliver. So I called Secure Mail Services and had the following conversation:

Me: Hi, I'm calling about a delivery
SMS: Yes, we have it scheduled in for you tomorrow
Me: I arranged it for today
SMS: We have you down for the 27th
Me: Which is today
SMS: Oh. (pause) Well I can see we tried to call you on the 23rd
Me: No you didn't
SMS: yes, we have it recorded here that we called your mobile at 11:50am
Me: No, you didn't. What number do you even have for me:
SMS: *reads the correct cell phone number to me*
Me: well, I had no missed call, no voice mail, no nothing on the 23rd from you.
SMS: I don't know what to tell you..
Me: Evidently
SMS: But we did try to call
Me: Uh huh. Just deliver my card please


And so yesterday they did. To my housemate. Who didn't sign anything for it. Whatever!