Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Just to give you all an idea.....

of the insanity I live with and deal with on a daily basis, here is a text message I received from my housemate earlier today:

"Things I have learnt today: Don't boil an egg in the kettle if it is cracked, it will foam out of control and go everywhere. Don't then pour a bit of water out, think "it'll be fine now" then re-boil it to finish the egg, as it will foam out of control and go everywhere again and totally egg the kettle.Don't try and sort kettle post egg by boiling up 4 fizzy vitamin C tablets, thinking "this will sort egg and limescale" and when that goes inevitably disaterously wrong, don't try and fix it by boiling kettle with washing up liquid in it"

Words truly fail me.

Monday, May 29, 2006

The Story Of Craig

So yes, the story of Craig. He and I met about 6 years ago now when I was in the box office at the Prince Edward Theatre and he was working as an usher. Now, at the Edward, the global megahit Mamma Mia! was playing and at this point was the only production of it worldwide. Consequently, if the performance was on, people would be coming in to buy tickets right up until the curtain came down at 10:15pm, but of course the box office closes at 8pm. So on a rota basis, two members of front of house staff were in the foyer to deal with over zealous ABBA fans at all times. I had seen Craig around but not spoken to him. Why, I hear you ask. Because he is drop dead beautiful. Like Colin Farrell only prettier, he makes my heart beat faster every time I look at him. We also have to sign in and out of the theatre in case of fire and there used to be a member of box office staff named Stephanie. She was, to say the very least, an odd girl and when she left there was a gap between the signing in sheets being updated so for weeks, her name remained there as a grim reminder of her. Trust me, it’s all connected. So one evening, I am signing out to go home and Craig is on foyer duty. Someone had written “dead” next to Stephanie’s name. I burst out laughing when I saw this and Craig asked me what was so funny. I pointed to it and he laughed too and then said “but I tell you who is dead though. Stephanie Lawrence”.

For those of you who aren’t aware of Ms Lawrence, she was a well known musical theatre star in the UK, with an equally well known alcohol problem. She had taken over as Eva in Evita/ and also taken over from Elaine Paige in Cats. Sidebar: the company manager of Mamma Mia! was also the company manager of Cats when Lawrence was in it, and he had the task of firing her when one night after performing Memory, Ms Lawrence begins climbing the stairway to heaven and, pissed as a fart, falls down said stairs. But I digress. At the time of her death, Ms Lawrence was not that old and was performing in Blood Brothers as Mrs Johnstone, just across the street from us. So I, of course clutched my pearls and exclaimed “no!” before proceeding to recount the sad end to her Grizabella to Craig. Half an hour later, we’re still chatting and we have just clicked. Instant rapport and friendship. Only of course, I want to wear his thighs as earmuffs too. Our friendship goes from strength to strength and we become very close, telling each other about fears and insecurities as well as bitchy gossip and drama. One night, rather drunkenly, I tell him I am in love with him. It is still to this date the most heartbreaking and yet the sweetest rebuff I have ever had. After a suitable interval, we discuss it all and clear the air and our friendship continues stronger than ever.

So far, so “every gay boy has been there”. But then one night Craig and his housemates (all of whom work front of house at the theatre and all of whom by this point also work for me in the phone room part time) throw a party after work on a Saturday. And I am invited. Also invited is Alex from the theatre, the cheeky but lovable, horsehung scamp who (possibly) unwittingly brought about that evening’s downfall. See, Alex baked some has brownies. He claims only hash was in them. Some other people, after they come to again, don’t quite believe them. I don’t partake of the hash cakes, preferring to drink instead. My buzz is rudely interrupted as a few people who HAVE eaten a hash cake start to feel a bit ill. And then they start hallucinating. And then they start throwing up. I’ll give you three guesses who the worst affected was. Yup, Craig. He is in his bedroom, I stick my head around the door to see how he is. He thinks he’s a German soldier marching off to war. Not good. Then he starts throwing up. I sit with him and hold the bin while he pukes. He asks me to rub his back. I do. Then his whole body starts to itch and he asks me to rub his chest. I do. I keep trying to leave. He won’t let me as he’s too freaked out. He’s not alone! Here I am, still ridiculously in love with him and he won’t let me leave his side AND he’s making me touch him. Alas, it’s not latent lust coming up but a drug related freak out, but what can you do? So I sit with him, I talk to him and all the time he won’t let me stop touching him. Then, it’s like 2am and he wants to sleep. You guessed it, I still can’t leave him. I manage to extricate myself from him after he is asleep and move to the couch in his room and keep a watchful eye over him all night. He has never forgotten that I did that for him, the circumstances I did it under nor my feelings for him at the time. He told me, quite rightly, that anyone else would have bolted. But I told him that whatever feelings I had for him, he was over and above everything a good friend to me and I would never leave a friend to suffer like he was. And thus, our friendship was sealed in stone.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

All work and no play

I am now working 7 days a week. In addition to working in Customer Relations Mon-Fri 9am to 5pm, I am also working in the call centre on a Saturday from noon to 5pm and on a Sunday from 2pm to midnight (midnight!). It's going to be worth it financially though. My parents are having to cover my legal fees for me and I want to be able to pay them back a chunk of the money before I head out to NYC and give myself enough to live on until my first Stateside pay check comes in. And I actually like the people who work in the call centre, so it won't be horrible or anything. I just have to tell myself it's only for the summer and keep my eyes on the prize.

Did I mention that my lesbian sister is getting married to her girlfriend in September? They will have been together two years when they marry. I'm trying not to focus on the fact that my sister broke up a seven year relationship in the most horrendous circumstances to be with her new girlfriend though. That story will also be a future blog, along with the story of my friendship with Craig.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

X-Men 3, Audience 2.

I have gone on record as saying how conflicted I was about this movie, how I wanted it to suck as it's not being directed by Bryan Singer and also how I didn't want it to suck as I do love the other 2 so much. Well the end result is I sort of liked it but it ultimately frustrated me.

Fox are evil and their insanity in the way they handled the first 2 is what caused Bryan Singer to walk away from part 3 (well, that and the upcoming Superman Returns, obviously). It's a well known fact that X-Men was originally scheduled to be the big Thanksgiving movie in 2000 when Fox suddenly decided to move the opening to July 4th, shaving almost 5 months off the post production schedule. It's frankly a miracle the movie ended up as good as it did when those kind of insane pressures are placed upon it. On the special edition DVD, they show the moment Singer is telling some people about the move in opening date. Clearly he is furious but he's reining it in and as the camera pans away, it goes past someone I assume is his assistant who mouths "he's so pissed" at the camera. You don't say. X-Men 2: X-Men United had a tough shoot with flared tempers and cast walkouts and of course BlackAssGate but the end result was truly brilliant a big summer blockbuster with brains and heart that also made sure you got plenty of bang for your buck.

And so now we have the third installment in the franchise, X-Men: The Last Stand, Ratner's blunt object to Singer's razor blade. The main plot, that a cure for mutants is discovered opens up huge potential and sadly barely any of it is realised. The dilemma that some mutants might be happy not to have their powers while others revel in them is briefly touched on as is the after effects of suddenly having the powers they love so removed from them. But oh so very briefly. The fact that the cure is created by the father of a mutant is ignored. IGNORED! The other main plot line, the re-appearance of Jean Grey is fumbled too. Ratner doesn't seem to know what to do with her except have her wander around silently with a new dye job and look upset every now and again. There are only two scenes that deal with the extent of her power and one is way WAY too long and the other is the final moments of the big battle and is anti climactic when it should be poignant.

There are many other characters and mini plots swirling around in here and not all of them have satisfactory arcs and conclusions. Some of the cast (Ben Foster, Aaron Stanford) must wonder why they bothered showing up. Others cast members will have the audience wondering how the hell they got into the movie (Vinnie fucking Jones). And ultimately, it's very frustrating that with the two big plot strands and all the mini plot strands and new characters fighting for space, two thirds of the way through Ratner obviously thought "ah, fuck it" and decided to concentrate on pointless set pieces and crazed action. I left the theatre annoyed by what could have been rather than overwhelmed by what was.

And just to underline what could have been, the international trailer for Superman Returns was shown in front of it. And my GOD it looks incredible. In. Cred. Ible.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Watch out!

Today I finally gave in and rejoined WeightWatchers. I have been steadily regaining weight since I got back from NYC in October and I just couldn't run away from the fact that I am fatty boom a latty any longer. Part of the reason I didn't want to join WW was you have to weigh yourself (obviously) and I really don't like knowing just how fat I am. But I braved it and hopped on the scales, having convinced myself I was fatter than I've ever been in my life ever. So I was actually quite pleased to weigh in at 262. Which is 38lbs less than I was at my fattest, but still a good 60lbs higher than I would like. So today was day 1 of operation fat loss. I'll keep you all posted.

X3 is getting mixed reviews and somewhat gratifyingly even the best reviews have mentioned that the edge Bryan Singer brought to the previous two is sadly lacking. I am planning on seeing it tomorrow and I will pass full judgement then......

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


So Sunday. I realise I didn't blog about it. So now I am. It was beyond wonderful to see my friend Craig again. I realised as I got to the venue that we hadn't seen each other in a little over two years and hadn't spoken in just under a year. We had a very intense friendship and you know how sometimes you are friends with someone and you fall out of touch and then if and when you reconnect, it just doesn't feel the same? I was really afraid this would happen here. Nope. Not a bit of it. It was just the same and when he said hello to me, he grabbed me and hugged me so hard I almost shed a tear of joy.

As for his music, well, I expected to be impressed but I was taken aback by just HOW good it was. He's written two full musicals (one of which is based on Therese Raquin and so I thought it prudent not to mention Thou Shalt Not) and two ballets and he assembled some wonderful singers to perform them for him (he also sang two songs himself as well as playing the piano for all of it). Some of the songs ran a bit long, but if he had told everyone that he was performing the new and unheard songs of Jason Robert Brown, you would have believed him. That's how accomplished I thought he was. He's currently on tour as Joseph in a production of Technicolor Dreamcoat and it's coming vaguely near me in a month and we're going to have dinner and catch up properly. I can't wait. One day soon, I will write a blog fully describing the reasons why my friendship with him is so intense. It's a corker.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Da Vinci Crap

I really can't be bothered to discuss just how horribly HORRIBLY dull it was, so I will just say to click here and read the Pajiba review of it. It's a masterpiece of a review, infinitely more entertaining than the film itself.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Summer is here

It's all of 40 degrees outside, with gale force winds and it's absolutely throwing it down with rain. Awesome.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Oh fuck off, you narc!

I finally got round to watching Imaginary Heroes. And I loved it. A truly unexpected gem of a movie with an incredible performance from Sigourney Weaver (who delivers the line I titled this blog with in style) in particular, but everyone is just top notch. I am trying not to focus on the fact that writer director Dan Harris is 25 and a millionaire who worked on X2 and Superman Returns.

Spent a few days away as we had no internet connection. Switched providers and of course it went badly. But we're back in full force now, bitches!

London isn't happening now, so I will be staying in Brighton until I leave for NY. Assuming I leave for NY. The company employing me are getting more ragingly incompetent by the hour it seems. London not panning out is for the most ridiculous of reasons and they are really hedging their bets and covering their backs about my NY employment too. Sigh.

In other news, the overtime gods are smiling on me and it looks like I will be working Saturdays as well for the rest of the summer. So that's some good news. And a friend I haven't heard from in AGES called out of the blue the other day and I am going to meet up with him in London on Sunday. Whee!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Let there be light

So last night I went to see the new pyrotechnic display by Groupe F, the people behind, among other things, the Eiffel Tower at the millennium. It was a free event in Preston Park, which I live 3 seconds from. Literally, almost. It was absolutely spectacular. Truly breathtaking. As was the amount of people who turned out for it. Preston Park isn't small, its perimeter is a mile around. And when one particularly large firework went off and lit up the crowd, I took a peek. The whole park was packed full. Packed. The display finished at 10:45pm, the park finally cleared at 1:30am. Fun. What was also fascinating to me was the amount of people I overheard on cell phones saying variations of "No, I'm near the road. You know, by the trees" and expecting their friends to find them.

Then today I went to see Mission Impossible 3. I really enjoyed it until the ending. You could tell a TV person was behind it in some ways, particularly in how he dealt with backstory, which isn't a bad thing. And while Tom Cruise might be the vilest celebrity on the planet, I don't hate him as an actor. He's got enough talent to make me disassociate. Unlike Jennifer Lopez, who I hate almost as fervently. Philip Seymour Hoffman was obviously having a riot as the bad guy (he's on record as saying he took the role to do something light and fun after Capote). And I LOVED that it opened with the tantalising prospect that Mrs Ethan Hunt doesn't make it out of the film alive. Of course, we all know she will, but to posit that at the start and seemingly carry it through (although of course it's a bait and switch) gave it an edge that I appreciated. If ONLY the ending hadn't sucked. Ah well.

Sadly, Poseidon has tanked. Horrible reviews and similar word of mouth has pushed it to a very lacklustre opening weekend of just $20 million, less than MI:III in its second week. Sigh.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Slightly Alarming (part deux)

Remember my ability to kill alarm clocks? It came back full force yesterday and I overslept. I get up at 7:15am and leave the house for work at 8:15am. Yesterday I woke up, yawned, stretched and then realised I felt so refreshed and relaxed. And then I realised about a minute later that that wasn't right. I opened my eyes, looked at the clock, it's 8:10am. Fuck shit piss cunt. I rushed around and was out the door by 8:30am and hightailed it to work and hit my desk on the dot of 9am. At which point I realised I still wasn't quite well enough to pull that shit off and felt like I'd been hit by a truck for the rest of the day.

I have to get a copy of my transcript from my university. It's £25 and can take 3-4 weeks. Like I'm not poor enough and in a big time crunch AS IT IS! Still, I realise it's foolish to be whining after the good news I had earlier in the week. And yet it doesn't stop me.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Getting a step nearer to moving to New York: Priceless

Yes that's right people, today I FINALLY got the last wrinkle ironed out with my potential NY employers and we will now be moving ahead with my H-1 Visa application. Praise be.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


So I didn't wake up this morning to the hoped for headline:

"Magician drowns in ill advised stunt. World says "I told you so.""

But at least he failed to break the world record, so he looks EVEN MORE STUPID than he did this time last week. I hate him so very much that frankly, I'll take what I can get.

In other news, I feel like crap. I have a mother of a sore throat, a lovely hacking cough and I think I'm running a slight temperature into the bargain (though it could be my morning coffee was too hot). The joyous thing is because I'm only a temp at Amex, I don't get sick pay. While I don't feel that horrific, I certainly don't feel like walking 40 minutes to work to deal with idiocy on a grand scale. But I have to because, for those of you keeping score, I'm broke. I can't afford to be ill. I could have bird flu, I'd still have to go to work. Grrr.

Monday, May 08, 2006

David Blaine

Drown, motherfucker.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Slightly alarming

So it seems I have an innate ability to kill alarm clocks. I have just offed my third in seven weeks. When I started at American Express, I bought this fancy digital thing. It didn't work, so technically I may not have killed it, it was possibly dead from the off. So I took it back and I swapped it for one of those old fashioned ones, with the two big bells on top and the little hammer that bangs the ever loving crap out of them, you know the kind? They also tick louder than a grandfather clock. After a few weeks of being woken up by it, the little hammer decided to stop moving. By this time, I had started using my UK mobile phone again so I thought I would use the alarm clock on that instead. That worked fine, until this morning when it didn't go off for no apparent reason. I had luckily woken up at 6:50am desperate to pee and was laying in bed wondering if I could possibly go back to sleep when I thought "it has been a long 20 minutes" and of course, it was already 7:30am and I should have been in the shower 15 minutes ago. I checked the phone, the alarm was set, the battery was full, there was no problem, it just didn't go off. Bugger.

And speaking of peeing, I just had the most delightful peegasm. I met a guy I'd been talking to online after work for a drink and see where it led. It led nowhere after he revealed he had a boyfriend and i had to supress the urge to smack him. But he bought me a pint, so I drank it and left. I stopped into Waterstones and bought a couple of books, then went to CyberCandy and got some Coca Cola Blak and then went to the supermarket to get food for the weekend. As I'm shopping, my bladder suddenly realises it's very very VERY full. I'm 20 minutes from home. So I pay for my shopping and I hightail it out of there. By the time I am 5 minutes from home, I'm in pain. It hurts to move, it hurts even worse to stand still, so I just push on, biting my lip, sweating profusely and trying not to think about the fact that I could very well not make it home. But I did make it. And the relief was indescribable. No orgasm then, but the peegasm makes up for it. Sorta.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Poseidon remake in "shorter than original" shocker

Yes indeed, in a time when remakes of older movies always seem to run longer than the original and of course the recent King Kong remake doubled the original's running time, Poseidon has decided to buck the trend. The original film was a few minutes short of 2 hours. The remake comes in at 98 minutes.

However The Da Vinci Code, which SHOULD be a taut little 100 minute chase thriller is a somewhat ridiculous 2 and a half hours long. Sigh.

Monday, May 01, 2006

My weekend

So yes, after the hell that was last week, the weekend was so much fun. On Saturday I went up to London for the day and met up with my dear friend Rob. My ex-boss had arranged free tickets for Rob and I to see Blackbird at the matinee. It's an intense two hour no intermission play, a two hander between a 50-something man and the late 20's ish woman who confronts him about the illegal relationship they had when she was 12. I wanted to see it mainly because the female role was being played by Jodhi May who I have adored for a fair while now and have seen on stage before and always found her mesmerising. She didn't disappoint me here, delivering a complex and layered performance that wavered between an unnerving beguile sexiness and tightly controlled fury that was just tremendous. However, when she walks on stage, she's wearing a knee length leather coat and when she spoke her first lines, I thought "God, she's loud", completely booming over her male co-star. Then she removes her coat and when she turned her back to the audience, I was like "wait, is that a mic pack?". It was. As the play went on, it became clear that she had a cold and shouldn't really sound as much like Brenda Vacarro as she did and she had a whole heck of a lot of shouting and crying to do. So I figured that was why she had a body mic on. But it was occasionally distracting, though not as distracting as the horribly awkward and unnecessary coda that demanded a complete set change, soft rock music and bizarre slow mo dance style fighting between the two of them that was just ruinously awful. What's more, some online research revealed that said coda is NOT in the text and is something imposed by the director who should be taken out and shot. It completely undermines what had been an intense and troubling play.

After the play, Rob and I went to TGI Fridays and drank cocktails and he bought me dinner and listened to my woes of the last two weeks. It was when I was telling him what had been going on that it really hit home just how stressed out I was about it all. As I was walking him to the tube station to get his train back to somewhere entirely too far north, I bumped into a friend I used to work with, which was a joy. Then, I decided on the spur of the moment to drop by the Novello Theatre where another friend I haven't seen for ages works and see if he was there. He was, and he was SO happy to see me I was quite taken aback. He's the manager there and so he was trying to be all professional as there was a show about to start but he gave up after about 15 seconds of that and gave me a huge prolonged tight hug and then we gossiped for about 40 minutes while he ignored all the customers. Fabulous. Oh and speaking of hugs, Rob delivered a hug from a certain someone that was just delicious.

Then it was home again and on to Sunday. We had a press screening in the morning for Brick which I was really looking forward to, it's had great reviews and some friends in the US had seen it and raved about it. I hated it. HATED it. Not to say it's a bad film, it isn't. But it didn't work for me. I didn't care about the characters or the plot and the self conscious, post modern, stylised but horribly clumsy dialogue drove me up the fucking wall. I found myself staring at my watch from about 30 minutes in and as the film dragged interminably on, I also found myself staring at the walls, floor and celling as they were all more interesting.

After that thundering disappointment, my friend Louisa was down in Brighton for the day so we went for a long lunch which stretched into dinner. I might be moving in to her attic when I move back to London so we had to be practical and grown up as well as gossipy bitches. And now it's Monday but I don't have to work as it's a bank holiday. Woot. And after a horribly rainy start it looks like it's going to be a sunny afternoon. Woot woot!