Vanity Fair

And so Vanity Fair brings us their 11th Annual Hollywood Issue. Instead of the usual threefold cover stuffed with fabulous people, there are only two actresses on the cover. Both naked. I love Scarlett Johansson more than life itself but she's been so very airbrushed here she's almost unrecognisable. And my hatred for that talentless and personality free ironing board that is Keira Knightley is well documented. Bitch, put some clothes on. Ugh.

And now, for the sheer fun of it, I'm going to guide you through my take on the 2006 Portfolio:

Dakota Fanning: Well we're off to a flying start. I know it's probably immoral to dislike a child, but I really can't stand her. Not only is she a bug eyed freak (one of the many many problems I had with Hide And Seek was her constantly being referred to as beautiful), but she's just CREEPY. She's 12 years old but it's like she has a mild form of progeria, because she acts like she's 40. The blurb accompanying her pic calls her performances "moving and authentic". I think they mean "freakish and unpleasant".



Peter Sarsgaard: I do love him. Aside from his surname having a silly amount of vowels in it, I don't have a bad word to say about him. He's an intense and intensely brilliant actor and he's also very easy on the eye. His performance in Kinsey also proved him to be a fearless actor. A fearlessness evident in his picture for the Portfolio, fully dressed but trussed up in Japanese bondage.

Sienna Miller: Ah, you're young, you're talented, you've just endured a messy break up with super hot skeeve Jude Law. What better way to celebrate than being photographed wearing only a tiny pair of pants, some hooker shoes and some tacky jewellery for Vanity Fair? Not one of your best moves, Sienna. You'll always have my respect for stepping for your poorly co-star (Helen McCrory who I love) in the West End production of As You Like It but exactly how little respect it will be is all to play for now.



Jake Gyllenhaal: So very talented. And hot. I've loved him since I saw him on stage in This Is Our Youth when he was merely cute, so watching his climb to heartthrob star of blockbuster movies AND highly respected Oscar nominated actor has been entirely fascinating.

Heath Ledger: Now he's an interesting one. I honestly think the reason the world finally sat up and took notice when Brokeback Mountain was released was not because Heath is giving a noteworthy performance, more that he's in a film that deserves it. 99% of his output has been, well, shit (The Sin Eater, A Knight's Tale, The Patriot, The Brothers Grimm) but his performances have always been great, natural, believable. They've just never quite been enough to distract the viewer from the steaming pile of dogshit he's acting in. Until now. Good for him. He's probably lying about his age though.

Jason Schwartzman: I like him. He's quirky, he's cute, he's talented. But I always think he looks dirty. And possibly stupid.

Camilla Belle: About to be famous, apparently. Is in the remake of When A Stranger Calls so we may very well never hear of her again.

Eric Bana: I do love me some Australian. It's a pity that Bana's talent has been outshone by his pecs in his two biggest movies (the execrable Hulk and Troy) but his performance in Munich seems to be redressing the balance. Inexplicably he's been overlooked for any nominations for it though. Ah well. He looks hot in a speedo too.



Natalie Portman: If you can get past the fact that she appears to have been bronzed and bears a resemblance to Halle Berry in the pic here, Natalie Portman is lovely. Crazily talented (yet lauded and awarded for one of her average performances in Closer) and completely gorgeous, she has it all for the taking. And she's shagged Gael Garcia Bernal. Bitch.



Viggo Mortensen: I've loved him since the almost unknown film The Passion Of Darkly Noon in 1995, so it's more than a little tiresome to have legions of squealing fangirls dressed like hobbits constantly referring to him as Aragorn and calling him hot.

Patricia Clarkson: Possibly one of the most talented actresses walking the planet. She has stolen every film she's ever been in (except for Goodnight, And Good Luck where she must wonder why she bothered turning up). However, for her appearance in the portfolio, they have smeared what looks like a whole jar of Vaseline on the lens AND airbrushed her for good measure. She has no pores in her face. And her nipples are erect. Such a bad photo.

Angelina Jolie: Apparently the theme of this years Portfolio was "tacky". It's the only way I can explain Angelina Jolie, UN Ambassador, mother of two adopted children and expecting her own child with Brad Pitt, deciding to be photographed laying in a bath naked with all her tattoos on show.



The Weinsteins: Does ANYBODY like them? Their reputations are legendary. Fittingly, they're photographed in suits and poses that make them look like Mafia hitmen masquerading as funeral directors. Loathsome.

Rosamund Pike: Another talent free addition to the Portfolio. At least the pic is classy, big swishy dress and the London Eye, very nice. But I can't help but wonder how she scraped in. Her performance in Die Another Day is very stiff and her stage role in Hitchcock Blonde underlined in red the fact that she really isn't a very good actress. When the world needs a discount version of Laura Dern, we'll let you know.

Topher Grace: Another total cutie who has allowed typecasting to smother his potential. The one, count it, one time he broke out of the cute and insecure mould, in Traffic, he's stunning. Here's hoping that the upcoming appearance as a baddie in Spider-Man 3 can help further shake off his nervy nerd shtick that had begun to grate before he was in In Good Company.

Reese Witherspoon: It's a shame that her breakout role was Elle Woods in the actually not very good Legally Blonde and its even worse sequel because it's all she's really remembered for now. She has a host of other better performances that, had they been quite as well remembered, her performance as June Carter Cash wouldn't be as much of a surprise. But as it is I'm just happy she's getting the recognition. I wish she hadn't been photographed with a doll though, it's just creepy.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Ah, how I adore this man. He's someone I would watch in anything, someone who, like Peter TooManyA's, disappears completely inside a character when he's acting and is totally fearless. And I love that.

Taye Diggs: I haven't seen that many of his films, but I enjoyed him in Go and I the occasional episode of Kevin Hill. And he's been photographed without his shirt on, so it's not just the ladies going for nudity here.

Nick Cave: Ok, can someone explain to me what Nick Fucking Cave is doing in a Portfolio about Hollywood stars? No? Well, me neither.

Anne Hathaway: Go away. I enjoyed your performance in Brokeback Mountain, especially your depiction of peroxided hair as a metaphor for marriage breakdown, but I will never forgive you for The Princess Diaries.



Max Minghella: You've been in two films, Max. Two. And one of those isn't even finished yet. So you'll forgive me if I don't care about you just yet.

Jamie Bell: I'm sorry, but why is the world trying to convince me that Jamie Bell is both hot and talented when he is ostensibly neither?



Jonathan Rhys Meyers: And speaking of untalented, woah mama. Here's the worst offender of recent times. His performances have never been what you would call good but in Match Point he is so outclassed by everyone around him it is painful to watch. He's awful, and he looks like a girl.

Michelle Monaghan: I liked her in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang so it'll be interesting to see how she holds up in Mission Impossible 3. Until that comes out I wonder if she'll regret being photographed laying upside down on a car.



Pamela Anderson & Mamie Van Doren: What the fucking fuck? Words truly fail me. I can't work out why Pamela is even here and Mamie Van Doren looks like a drag queen.



Joy Bryant: I have no idea who Joy Bryant is, as I have seen none of her films. The blurb about her notes that her mother was just 15 when she gave birth to her. So presumably she's so very chuffed at Joy's decision to appear in Vanity Fair ENTIRELY NAKED.

Michelle Yeoh: Another breakthrough Bond girl I am totally indifferent to. Possibly because her Bond was in the weakest of the series (Tomorrow Never Dies), possibly because her follow up films have left me cold (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Memoirs Of A Geisha). I can see she's very talented I'm just not sure why I should care. Seeing her photographed hanging from a trapeze in an evening gown hasn't altered my opinion, but it has made me wonder if she really is nine feet tall.

Jennifer Aniston: She looks good in the pic, at least. Naked, curled up in the fetal position so nothing is showing. Classy, almost. Something has to distract the world from the break up with Brad and her totally unexciting post Friends film career.

Q'Orianka Kilcher: Another two film CV, but unlike Max, Kilcher is more deserving of her place here. First off, her name starts with a Q and has an apostrophe in it. Secondly, her performance in The New World won her rave reviews. Good for her. She looks like a pre op transsexual though.

Terrence Howard: Just go away. Everyone loves you, you've steadily been working away unnoticed in films for years and now you've broken out big time. But your big break out (Oscar nominated, no less) role just so happens to be in one of the most atrociously embarrassing, mind numbingly predictable and inexplicably adored pieces of shit to be released in many a year, Hustle & Flow. And for that I can never forgive you.

Zooey Deschanel: Stupid name, horrible picture. Only seen her in one film and she didn't really stand out in that. So there.

Joaquin Phoenix: What a glorious pic. I can't tell if he's sucking his gut in or it was taken pre bloat, but he looks good. And he's so wonderful to watch on screen that he can bloat all he likes and I'll still love him. He doesn't have a hope in hell of winning the Oscar for Walk The Line alas, but I am certain his day will come.

George Clooney: Everybody loves George. That's all that needs to be said here.